When I was a younger, I thought grown-ups were underachievers. I didn't think this about everyone, but I will confess that I often thought it about my older siblings. This was after spending many years looking up to them and thinking they were the greatest--all nine of them. And then one day I turned 13, my eyes were opened and I saw that they each had flaws. I continued to watch them in their endeavors as I always had, but instead of thinking only how wonderful they were, I also thought that I expected more and better of them. That wasn't all--I would tell myself that when I went to college, got married or had kids, I was going to do it differently and much, much better.
Time passed and soon it was my turn to engage in these wonderful rite-of-passage adventures. As I undertook each endeavor, the oddest thing happened: I started to resemble my older siblings very much. Of course, I didn't notice it at first, but some months after I gave birth to my second child, the realization started to settle on me: my husband and I looked very much like every other married couple with two kids that I had ever known. How could this be? That wasn't my intention at all. I was going to be different. I was going to be...amazing.
In the years that followed (my second child is now 11), I've learned that age and circumstances are the great equalizers in life. We can each seem quite unique and different--until we reach the same age and find ourselves in the same circumstances. Suddenly, any difference seems to be insignificant. The fact that our paths and experience in life can create common ground and unify us is very reassuring to me. The truth is, as much as I thought I wanted to be different from my siblings, I really just wanted to join them. They've always been ahead of me and they always will be. In my post-adolescent years, I've gained a deep appreciation for all of my siblings and their example---it turns out they have been my inspiration and guides all these years.
But as reassuring as common ground can be, I also find it reassuring that we each get to choose how we respond to the hand that age and circumstances deal us. Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who survived the concentration camps of Nazi Germany said, 'Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms, to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.' So even though age and circumstances may level the playing field for all of us, we still get to choose how we feel and what we do about it. We get to choose whether we'll allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by our situation or as Frankl says, 'when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.'
So if Frankl has it right (and I think he does)---it is our choices, not our circumstances that distinguish us and determine who we will become.
Time passed and soon it was my turn to engage in these wonderful rite-of-passage adventures. As I undertook each endeavor, the oddest thing happened: I started to resemble my older siblings very much. Of course, I didn't notice it at first, but some months after I gave birth to my second child, the realization started to settle on me: my husband and I looked very much like every other married couple with two kids that I had ever known. How could this be? That wasn't my intention at all. I was going to be different. I was going to be...amazing.
In the years that followed (my second child is now 11), I've learned that age and circumstances are the great equalizers in life. We can each seem quite unique and different--until we reach the same age and find ourselves in the same circumstances. Suddenly, any difference seems to be insignificant. The fact that our paths and experience in life can create common ground and unify us is very reassuring to me. The truth is, as much as I thought I wanted to be different from my siblings, I really just wanted to join them. They've always been ahead of me and they always will be. In my post-adolescent years, I've gained a deep appreciation for all of my siblings and their example---it turns out they have been my inspiration and guides all these years.
But as reassuring as common ground can be, I also find it reassuring that we each get to choose how we respond to the hand that age and circumstances deal us. Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who survived the concentration camps of Nazi Germany said, 'Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms, to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.' So even though age and circumstances may level the playing field for all of us, we still get to choose how we feel and what we do about it. We get to choose whether we'll allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by our situation or as Frankl says, 'when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.'
So if Frankl has it right (and I think he does)---it is our choices, not our circumstances that distinguish us and determine who we will become.
Hmm! As one of the 9 siblings mentioned above, I find cause to ponder. I, too, was going to do things differently, yet after 32 years of marriage, our 5 kids all married, and grandkids joining the ranks, I find that it is not all that bad to be the same. And I remind myself that it isn't over yet. There is still time to choose how we want to be different and distinguish ourselves from who we are today and who we were yesterday. Tomorrow is still there waiting to see who we will ultimately become.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Carol--it helped me to realize that I needed to be more clear in my blog that I have since matured and have only the deepest respect for all of you. So I have revised my post to more accurately reflect my thoughts and feelings. As always, you are showing me the way.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog - wonderful stuff. Thank you Mariann.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mariann for your eternal insight into the lives of all. As a child I marveled at your skill to sit and observe, while I chose to be as inconspicuous I as possibly could be. Oh, I observed but my observations were towards self preservation, while yours created a world of purpose.
ReplyDeleteI like your references to Viktor Frankl's perspective of choice and echo his declaration, it is only a choice. I believe deeply that events in our life don't define us, they reveal us.